25 Random Things About Me

I was extremely reluctant to give in to this '25 Things' craze, but I couldn't help but think what my random things would be. I wondered so much, actually, that a week ago I went ahead and wrote them out, all the while promising myself I'd never show them. Now I need a new blog topic, but I don't feel like writing anything new. Eventually laziness trumps morals. Here they are:

1. I hate hardwood floors because I can’t comfortably roll around on them. I like rolling in the floor.

2. If I was alive pre-Columbus sailing the ocean blue, and I could choose to be any race I wanted, I’d choose to be Native American. Loincloths are amazing.

3. I hate technology but am addicted to it.

4. I hope that one day I become so filthy rich that I forget who I am.

5. In actuality, I’m scared #4 could happen, and sometimes wish to remain poor.

6. I once needed a black actor for a movie but couldn’t find one. I decided to cover myself in mud and play the role myself.

7. I want to meet Rachel McAdams so we can reenact all the scenes from the Notebook. I hate you Ryan Gosling.

8. I'm an explorer at heart, in a world where every land has been explored. This depresses me.

9. In middle school, me and my best friend would toss around a rusted circular saw blade that we found in the woods. Eventually it ended up STUCK IN MY LEG.

10. I grew my hair long so I would look more like a writer and less like a frat boy. It didn’t work- now people think I’m an actor. I'm not sure if that's better or worse.

11. I love God but don’t fully understand who he is.

12. I’ve secretly wanted to fight someone- anyone- for quite some time, to see how I’d react in battle. So far no one has started an altercation with me, and I can’t bring myself to start one either. Someone punch me, please.

13. I have many nicknames by various people, some good and some bad. They are: J, JC, Just, Juson, Crumzo, Crumster, Papa Crum, Crumasauras Rex, Crum Dizzle, Crizzle, Forest Crump, Donald Crumsfeld, Crumdoleeza Rice, J. Crump, and last but not least Crumpelstiltskin.

14. I saw my first vagina at 4 years old on a playground, behind the jungle gym. Me and my friends gathered around a circle and showed each other what we were working with. I thought it looked like two balls without a penis. It was confusing.

15. I hate roaches, and sometimes have nightmares about giant ones attacking me.

16. I ran around the house naked until I was 10 years old, until my Dad finally explained why it was weird.

17. I don’t care for my first name, mainly because it’s so common, but also because it reminds people of *NSYNC.

18. I compulsively checked my height in high school because I was worried I wouldn’t grow.

19. One time when I was little my dad brought me to his office for "take your daughter to work day." I haven't been the same since.

20. After #19, I begged for an easy bake oven and a toy kitchen set. The other daughters taught me the joys of baking corn bread with a light bulb and grilling plastic hamburgers. If that's gay, then count me in.

21. The worse drug I’ve done is air duster in high school. It gives you a deep voice, which made me laugh.

22. Three years after graduating from college, I still haven’t picked up my diploma.

23. I once had a job as a Kirby Vacuum salesman, in which I went door to door pitching an $1800 cleaning tool.

24. My parents taught me about sex with the help of a book from a Christian bookstore, in which an illustrated Jesus tells you why boys and girls are different, and how you're supposed to be married before you explore those differences. It never actually mentioned HOW people have sex. I had to learn the normal way, by watching my brother's porn.

25. When I was a baby I fell down the steps and fractured my skull. This may explain a few things.