The Superior Court of Los Angeles County. The place where the summoned masses gather for jury duty. The place where everyone has an excuse. Suddenly, the bi-racial turn racist, and the slight limpers turn parapalegic. Why will people say anything to get out of jury duty? Really, you're paralyzed. I'm pretty sure you're not, bitch. I'm kind of interested in this whole judicial stuff, myself. Convicting murderers and rapists doesn't sound so bad to me. And in my opinion, I'm one of the best decision makers I know. I imagine part of me would lean not-guilty, just because prisons are crowded and our state has a budget deficit already. Why feed people and shit when we don't have to? Don't we do that enough with homeless bums already?...
Then again, I think another part of me would lean guilty, just cause I'd love to taste blood and really jack someone's life up. But only if they deserve it and look like a real bad guy. Which is something else that makes me a good judge. Not only am I good decision maker, but I'm pretty good at knowing if someone's guilty based on looks. Big pores are always a sure sign. Sometimes it's tough, though, like if they have that James Dean, bad boy-type charm going for them. In that case he's bad, but he's not that bad. He might've knocked up a few girls without paying child support, but at the end of the day you still want to hang with him cause he's cool. And if you want to hang with him so much, is he really that guilty? The answer is no, he's not. You vote not-guilty and take him down to Jumbo's Clown room for a drink. Some decisions are even easier, though, like with Asian people. I really don't like how their houses smell, so I could use less of that in the world. Asian smells should stay in Asia...or prison. Just far away from me, that's all. Verdict: Guilty!
Oh, and back to excuses. Everyone has one here. This judicial dude named Bill came out and did a little speech about juroring, then took questions from us. Every one of them was an excuse. "What if I have an ulcer?" "What if I don't gots money for lunch?" The excuses came pouring in, and one Asian lady got up and said, "I can not speaka da goo English...no goo." Or some shit like that. Bill said she sounded fine to him, and that her excuse wasn't valid. Then some guy after her said he just had a heart attack, and Bill said he better have a doctor's note for that heart attack bs. He didn't have a doctor's note, so I don't blame Bill for what he said. Then the Asian lady stood back up, giving the best excuse ever:
"But sah, sah...I haff to drive on freeway."
First of all, the more she spoke in English the more she discounted the first excuse, and second of all, the guy who just had a heart attack received no sypathy, and for some reason you think your freeway excuse will!? If you're going for a second, even better excuse, you've got to go big. Real big. I just saw that movie Precious, and I think that girl, with her fat and her down syndrome babies and her Aids-ridden breast milk...even she couldn't mess with Bill. And if a girl with two incest babies can't escape jury duty, then no one can. So just shut up Asian lady and shit down and do your time like the rest of us...
After a few more excuses Bill got tired and sent all of the whiners to a lady who's job is evaluating excuses. Seriously? What's America come to? Do we really need to pay someone just to tell us our excuse sucks? Isn't that your spouses job? Oh, wait, we don't have spouses anymore because we complain so much. No wonder there's so many divorces and incest babies, cause we've got stupid Asian women walking the streets, talking about, "Ah, sah...I haff to drive freeway." Asian women have no respect for the judicial system. At all. And we're letting them clog up the system with this shit, people!
In conclusion, I do know one person who cares about the judicial system, and that guy's name is Bill. I'm going to join him, will you? NO MORE EXCUSES, AMERICA! Precious didn't give excuses when her daddy impregnated her the first or second time, and neither should you.
11/13/09
10/1/09
St. John
Everyone's dying
Everyone's dead
Caged wolves with lips of red
So off with your foot and tongue and ear
Raise my head,
As if my turn isn't near.
Suck you off, tuck you in
God's gift turned now to sin
She'll rob your nickel, rob you blind
Then raise her palms,
For the soul you can't find.
Mothers, Fathers
What do they know?
Family and friends are friend or foe?
Blood runs deep, blood runs long
Children raise their weapons,
From here to St. John.
Everyone's dying
Everyone's dead
So stomp the rabbit's and lamb's and deer's head
Show them their mortality
Raise your glass,
Here's to equality.
Everyone's dead
Caged wolves with lips of red
So off with your foot and tongue and ear
Raise my head,
As if my turn isn't near.
Suck you off, tuck you in
God's gift turned now to sin
She'll rob your nickel, rob you blind
Then raise her palms,
For the soul you can't find.
Mothers, Fathers
What do they know?
Family and friends are friend or foe?
Blood runs deep, blood runs long
Children raise their weapons,
From here to St. John.
Everyone's dying
Everyone's dead
So stomp the rabbit's and lamb's and deer's head
Show them their mortality
Raise your glass,
Here's to equality.
9/23/09
Puffer Fish
Who's this douche bag Rico?
This is the trailer to my buddy Brandon Vedder's short film, Puffer Fish. It was selected to the 2009 Malibu International Film Festival last month, and faired pretty well, I'd say. Really well, actually. Check out AllCutUpFilms.com for more info on the guy...
PS: For a small fee, Rico will make an appearance at your next birthday party, baptism, or bar mitzvah. Message me for more info.
This is the trailer to my buddy Brandon Vedder's short film, Puffer Fish. It was selected to the 2009 Malibu International Film Festival last month, and faired pretty well, I'd say. Really well, actually. Check out AllCutUpFilms.com for more info on the guy...
PS: For a small fee, Rico will make an appearance at your next birthday party, baptism, or bar mitzvah. Message me for more info.
7/29/09
7/4/09
One More Day
Time's a wastin',
While I'ma pacin'.
But it's around,
Without a frown.
Cause she smiles,
When I walk that extra mile.
Time's a wastin',
While I'ma erasin'
Work years in the makin',
Without the takin'.
But what's the exchange
When I have so much to change.
Time's a wastin',
While I'ma chasin'
That memory, a dream, a stream
Of happiness, of love, from above.
Time's a wastin',
While I'ma facin'
All this misery, mistrust, and lust;
A life on the cusp that's never enough.
Time's a wastin'
While I'ma lacin'
These boots of mine,
Planning to find some reason or ryhyme
To time and space
And everyone's face.
I'ma wastin',
Watchin' time a racin'.
Old, fray, and gray;
I lay and decay,
Prayin' for just one more day.
While I'ma pacin'.
But it's around,
Without a frown.
Cause she smiles,
When I walk that extra mile.
Time's a wastin',
While I'ma erasin'
Work years in the makin',
Without the takin'.
But what's the exchange
When I have so much to change.
Time's a wastin',
While I'ma chasin'
That memory, a dream, a stream
Of happiness, of love, from above.
Time's a wastin',
While I'ma facin'
All this misery, mistrust, and lust;
A life on the cusp that's never enough.
Time's a wastin'
While I'ma lacin'
These boots of mine,
Planning to find some reason or ryhyme
To time and space
And everyone's face.
I'ma wastin',
Watchin' time a racin'.
Old, fray, and gray;
I lay and decay,
Prayin' for just one more day.
6/16/09
I'm A Father
Every few years I have the urge to really scare the hell out of my parents. About five years ago, during my first year on the west coast, I decided to make a surprise visit back east for Thanksgiving. I paid $300 I didn't have for the flight, which meant I had to make the most of the impromtu trip. For me, this meant breaking into my parents house at 1AM and pretending to be a burglar. My Mom nearly had a heart attack when she saw me, and had chest pains for three days after.
Back to present day. It's been 5 years, and I've been waiting for another opportunity. Then in walks Jessica, a girl I've been dating recently. She has a daughter named Mila, who's 2 years old. I told my parents about Jessica, but not her daughter. My parents are visiting me in September, and I was licking my chops. I wanted to see their face when I introduced them to my first born daughter from a one night stand with a crack whore 3 years ago. I had it planned out in my head, it would have been genius.
Problem is, Jessica wanted me to tell them about Mila much sooner than September. And I guess that's the right thing to do, right? So I rushed it. I sent them an email instead, late Saturday night. My parents return from church on Sunday around noon, when they read the paper and check their email. My plan was to call them shortly after to tell them it's a joke, and share a good laugh. It didn't go to plan.
Here's the email:
Mom and Dad,
There's been something I've been meaning to tell you, but haven't had the right words. I've tried, believe me, but the recent problems with Pappaw and Grandma have made it harder to spit out, as I know you've both been worrying enough as it is. Considering I'm fairly more comfortable with written words over spoken ones, I've decided to write this email, just to let everything be known. You have a second granddaughter [editor's note: my brother's daughter is the first]. Her name is Mila, and she will be 2 years old in August, although I've only known about her for a couple of months. In the fall of 2006 I dated a Persian girl named Paria for a couple of weeks, and soon after we broke up she moved back to her hometown in Texas due to money issues. She recently moved back to Long Beach in April, which is when she told me about Mila. I was shocked to say the least, and had a hard time believing it all, so I decided to wait for a blood test before I told you. I received the results of the blood test a month ago, and found out that Mila is indeed mine. I've been a coward about telling you, I know. I'm so sorry, I should have told you much sooner. You can thank Jessica for encouraging me to do this now, for if it wasn't for her I would have probably prolonged it further...
Anyways, I know I've made some mistakes in my life, but after the last couple of weeks with Mila, I can't say that she is one of them. I've already grown attached to her, and I can't wait for you to meet her when you visit in September. She's the most adorable little girl you'll ever see. I've attached a picture so you can see for yourself. I know this is all a bit much, but I believe it's a good thing. A great thing even. As you know, God works in mysterious ways! Please call me when you get this. We obviously have a lot to talk about.
Love,
Justin
I woke up earlier than normal Sunday morning. I was feeling guilty. I called at 11AM while they were at church, to leave
a message about the prank email. I had to tell them it's a joke, before they read it. The phone rings and rings. I'm waiting for the outgoing message, that comforting robotic voice. Then it happens-- my Mom picks up the phone, sounding less than chipper. My parents weren't at church. They skipped church. Why? Because my Dad checked their email much earlier than expected, at 7AM. My Mom spent ALL morning crying for the child, the difficulty of a broken home, and the fact she'd rarely get to see her granddaughter. Not to mention they pulled out pictures of me as a toddler and compared them to Mila. They found resemblances.
I'm a horrible son.
Back to present day. It's been 5 years, and I've been waiting for another opportunity. Then in walks Jessica, a girl I've been dating recently. She has a daughter named Mila, who's 2 years old. I told my parents about Jessica, but not her daughter. My parents are visiting me in September, and I was licking my chops. I wanted to see their face when I introduced them to my first born daughter from a one night stand with a crack whore 3 years ago. I had it planned out in my head, it would have been genius.
Problem is, Jessica wanted me to tell them about Mila much sooner than September. And I guess that's the right thing to do, right? So I rushed it. I sent them an email instead, late Saturday night. My parents return from church on Sunday around noon, when they read the paper and check their email. My plan was to call them shortly after to tell them it's a joke, and share a good laugh. It didn't go to plan.
Here's the email:
Mom and Dad,
There's been something I've been meaning to tell you, but haven't had the right words. I've tried, believe me, but the recent problems with Pappaw and Grandma have made it harder to spit out, as I know you've both been worrying enough as it is. Considering I'm fairly more comfortable with written words over spoken ones, I've decided to write this email, just to let everything be known. You have a second granddaughter [editor's note: my brother's daughter is the first]. Her name is Mila, and she will be 2 years old in August, although I've only known about her for a couple of months. In the fall of 2006 I dated a Persian girl named Paria for a couple of weeks, and soon after we broke up she moved back to her hometown in Texas due to money issues. She recently moved back to Long Beach in April, which is when she told me about Mila. I was shocked to say the least, and had a hard time believing it all, so I decided to wait for a blood test before I told you. I received the results of the blood test a month ago, and found out that Mila is indeed mine. I've been a coward about telling you, I know. I'm so sorry, I should have told you much sooner. You can thank Jessica for encouraging me to do this now, for if it wasn't for her I would have probably prolonged it further...
Anyways, I know I've made some mistakes in my life, but after the last couple of weeks with Mila, I can't say that she is one of them. I've already grown attached to her, and I can't wait for you to meet her when you visit in September. She's the most adorable little girl you'll ever see. I've attached a picture so you can see for yourself. I know this is all a bit much, but I believe it's a good thing. A great thing even. As you know, God works in mysterious ways! Please call me when you get this. We obviously have a lot to talk about.
Love,
Justin
I woke up earlier than normal Sunday morning. I was feeling guilty. I called at 11AM while they were at church, to leave
a message about the prank email. I had to tell them it's a joke, before they read it. The phone rings and rings. I'm waiting for the outgoing message, that comforting robotic voice. Then it happens-- my Mom picks up the phone, sounding less than chipper. My parents weren't at church. They skipped church. Why? Because my Dad checked their email much earlier than expected, at 7AM. My Mom spent ALL morning crying for the child, the difficulty of a broken home, and the fact she'd rarely get to see her granddaughter. Not to mention they pulled out pictures of me as a toddler and compared them to Mila. They found resemblances.
I'm a horrible son.
6/11/09
Book Of Dreams: Andy's Gay
I had a dream last night that involved an appearance by my buddy, Andy Makishima. Here it is:
Andy is gay and cast in a short film by a lesbian director, who looks a lot like Ellen Degeneres. I visit the set of this epic film to pay my respects and say hi. They're shooting by a pond, and it's beautiful. In the scene Andy has an argument with his co-star and real life lover, Rupert. After the argument, Andy has to jump into the water. Don't ask me why, I got the impression it was the beginning of a little action scene. Like they fight, then some off screen danger comes along, forcing Andy to jump in and hide. I'm guessing the next beat would be Rupert jumping in as well, followed by the two of them making amends, as the danger would show them what's really important- love. They would then frolic amongst the lilly pads, as two gaybies would.
Anyway, I was watching the argument, and was amazed at how intimate and real it felt. Ellen did a great job of casting real life partners. Later on, during a short break, me and Ellen discuss Andy's acting talents, as well as Andy and Rupert's real life relationship problems. They are both method actors, and the on screen fighting was leading to problems in the bedroom. That conversation prompted Ellen to reveal to me she was having relationship problems as well, with her girlfriend Austin. We had a great heart to heart, riffing on marriage and love and existence. We definitely bonded.
After the shoot I went over to Andy and Rupert's apartment to have some baked Alaskan salmon with cream sauce, and they gave me a DVD player. I was overjoyed, as I was having issues with mine.
Then I woke up.
Andy is gay and cast in a short film by a lesbian director, who looks a lot like Ellen Degeneres. I visit the set of this epic film to pay my respects and say hi. They're shooting by a pond, and it's beautiful. In the scene Andy has an argument with his co-star and real life lover, Rupert. After the argument, Andy has to jump into the water. Don't ask me why, I got the impression it was the beginning of a little action scene. Like they fight, then some off screen danger comes along, forcing Andy to jump in and hide. I'm guessing the next beat would be Rupert jumping in as well, followed by the two of them making amends, as the danger would show them what's really important- love. They would then frolic amongst the lilly pads, as two gaybies would.
Anyway, I was watching the argument, and was amazed at how intimate and real it felt. Ellen did a great job of casting real life partners. Later on, during a short break, me and Ellen discuss Andy's acting talents, as well as Andy and Rupert's real life relationship problems. They are both method actors, and the on screen fighting was leading to problems in the bedroom. That conversation prompted Ellen to reveal to me she was having relationship problems as well, with her girlfriend Austin. We had a great heart to heart, riffing on marriage and love and existence. We definitely bonded.
After the shoot I went over to Andy and Rupert's apartment to have some baked Alaskan salmon with cream sauce, and they gave me a DVD player. I was overjoyed, as I was having issues with mine.
Then I woke up.
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